Don't Be a Halloweenie and Other Terrible Jokes

Tis the season for holiday merriment, by which I mean needlessly scaring yourself with horror movies.  As if the actual real world wasn’t scary enough (hello, the economy?), most of you (and myself) have spent the last 30 days watching all means of scary movies from Halloween to Nightmare on Elm Street to Sex and the City 2.  Personally, I am currently involved in the epic 8 part miniseries “The Kennedys” which aired earlier this year on something reputable like “The Reelz Network” (you know it’s serious because it has a z right there where the s should be).  It’s unarguably terrifying.  That someone actually greenlighted this project, I mean.

Even though Scooby Doo taught us that all real-life haints are merely disguised adults with property rights disputes, there are several distinct horror villains.  In the type of gross generalization you can expect from this blog, every horror movie in the world falls into one of these categories, and every person in the world prefers just one over all the rest.  What does your horror movie choice say about you?  Read on.

Vampires

First, it is important to make the distinction between horror vampire movies (see: Dracula, Nosferatu) and vampire comedies (see: Dracula: Dead and Lovin’ it!, Twilight… seriously, those Twilight movies aren’t comedies? I mean, a vampire baby is literally eating Whiny Pasty alive in the recent preview.  Comedy gold.) Unique to this genre (thank god) is that people ACTUALLY THINK THEY ARE VAMPIRES.  That’s right, people truly believe themselves to be “mythological or folkloric beings who subsist by feeding on the life essence of living creatures” (Wikipedia).  There’s even a whole subset of the plastic surgery/cosmetic dental industry devoted to vampiring people. Because, as it turns out, some people don’t have the hallmark fangs and pale skin typical of vampires.  Because, as it turns out, they aren’t actually vampires.  Because, as it turns out, vampires aren’t actually real.  Go figure.

Who likes vampire movies?  Sex freaks, mainly.  I mean, Dracula’s main move is biting the necks of strange women.  Hott…? All I’m saying is, people ACTUALLY WANT TO BANG VAMPIRES.  No one wants to do the nasty with zombies and yet they are just as undead.  Twilight has made somewhere around 85 bazillion dollars off these degenerates.  Because there are no bigger sex freaks than teenage girls.    


Ghosts and Things Unseen

Okay, I’ll give you that there’s very little that’s scarier than not seeing what’s attacking you (except for maybe the decision to cast Katie Holmes as Jackie Kennedy).  I get that.  But can I urge you, people of the blogosphere, to band together and stop going to movies where the villain is the house?  I mean, come.on.  “Our house is attacking us! There’s nothing more terrifying!” “I know, let’s move to a new house.” Roll credits.  People who like these movies tend to be boring and not have nearly enough real problems to worry about.

Witches

Witches are, by and large, very misunderstood.  Typically, witches have some sort of vendetta.  To break some new philosophical ground here: was the Wicked Witch really wicked?  I mean, you’d be mad too if a house fell on your sister, presuming you have a fair to good relationship with your sister.  The Blair Witch probably had some reason for her killing spree.  Maybe.  I don’t know.  My mom picked me up early from the slumber party.  Most fans of witch-based horror are old maids and widow ladies who told those meddling kids 500 times to stop eating their candy house and they just wanted to teach them a lesson.

Evil Demons

Little known facts that are completely true and not at all madeup: the Catholic church is responsible for funding over 99% of movies where the solution is exorcism by an ordained priest.  It was decided in the early 1970’s that the best way to get people back to the church, other than mass in English, was scaring them shitless with the power of the devil.   Like many plans of the Catholic church, this kind of backfired, because it turns out that you can engage the exorcism services of a priest without actually attending mass regularly.  And adults quickly noticed that it was mainly innocent little children who were getting possessed anyway, so really what was even the point?  Fans of this genre like simple hands off solutions to solve their problems.  If they can’t hire a priest, get a vial of holy water, and send their pea soup stains out to a good dry cleaner, then they will just watch Mean Girls for the thousandth time instead.

Good Old Fashioned Slashers

Based entirely on the premise that evil people can really be anywhere, but mainly lurking in closets, under beds, and especially old abandoned barns that you should definitely not enter, but for some reason you do anyway, slasher flicks (think: Halloween 1-80) are pretty great.  Though simplistic in nature (all it takes is a mask and a big knife and hello, you have a movie!), these movies prey on the fear we all share of being brutally murdered by an actual human person.  All I’m saying is, you’re walking alone at night in a dark parking garage.  You hear footsteps behind you.  “Ohhh no!!!  It’s a werewolf!!!” is not your first thought.   Fans of this genre are tough, know never ever to have sex if a crazed serial killer is on the loose, and okay maybe jumpy and a little paranoid that they saw movement outside their window after watching 6 hours of the AMC Halloween Marathon yesterday.  That didn’t happen to me of course, but to a very close friend…

And finally, Zombies.

I heard this week that Zombies are something like a billion dollar industry in our country.  Which I think is a sign that we’re finally back on track as a nation.  Praise be to Obama for making America #1 again!  Fans of this genre have both a strong respect for and a healthy fear of George Romero, and are united in their belief that zombies do not run.  If there were a zombie apocalypse, you would want these people with you because they are smart and resourceful and would know exactly what to do.  (i.e. stay in the house with the doors locked, not run out into the street panicking about zombies.)  Unfortunately, it seems that all these zombie movie fans must be the first to go because in a zombie movie it is painfully obvious that no one has actually ever seen a zombie movie.  “I bet if we just cut off his legs that will stop him!!”  No.  No, it won’t.

And sure there are other horror movie villains: mummies, werewolves, possessed vehicles, large dogs, socialism, etc.  But those are too boring to mention.  Mummies are no zombies.

Be safe out there tonight trick or treating because drivers are just supposed to keep an eye out for children in the roadway not full grown adults with no reason to still be begging door to door for candy.  And please remember that the threat of tampered candy is totally 100% real, always happens, and it’s best if you just drop your candy off at my house to be checked.  Text for the address.