The TV Land Debate

Okay, it's no secret to any of you that I am a democrat.  I make no apologies about that, and it will probably turn up in my blog from time to time (now that my Chinese New Year's Resolution is to blog more).  Hey, what do you know?  It's turning up today in fact.

What network hasn't had a debate yet?  I wondered to myself in the shower this morning.  (It's this kind of mind-wandering that was also responsible for my later pondering: Have I shampooed my hair yet?)  But the answer is, obviously, TV Land, or what my father considers to be the only channel on television.  That's right, TV Land is the only network that has not held a debate yet.  Just go with me here.  What would it be like if TV Land had a debate?  What would it be like if the remaining Republican presidential candidates were classic television characters?

Okay, so the premise is weak, but the analysis is solid.  Read on.

MITT ROMNEY.... ARTHUR FONZARELLI

“Aaaaaaay”  The Fonz is so cool that even the term for when things stop being cool is named after something he did.  Much like his television icon, and childhood best friend, Mitt Romney is also just cool. Other ways Mitt is like the Fonz?  His office is in a bathroom and he lives above a garage.  (Facts.) 

Though he’s initially a rebel, and Mr. C is right to fear his influence on his children: the impressionable Richie, the lovestruck Joni, and of course the mysteriously absent Chuck, The Fonz is a family man at heart and ends the series with adopting an orphan. Or so I read on Wikipedia.  Did anyone know that? Must have happened post-shark jump.  Much like Fonzie, Mitt Romney has undergone a transitional arc of his own, from New England liberal to viable Republican candidate for president.  The Fonz liked Ike, the Fonz’s bike liked Ike, and so did 2012 Mitt.

Unsurprisingly, when you run a google image search for Romney (with or without the intent of photoshopping his head onto the body of Henry Winkler), there are a number of pictures of him throwing his thumb up and also once Mitt Romney started his stalled campaign bus by punching the hood.  But, is aligning yourself with the Fonz really a good campaign strategy?  I mean, the man jumped over a shark with a motorcycle… okay, actually, yes, I would vote for Mitt Romney if he jumped over a shark with a motorcycle, and the way things are looking after South Carolina, he might just be that desperate for votes. 

 

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but you are one dumb Pollack.”  - Newt to John King last week

 NEWT GINGRICH AS ARCHIE BUNKER

“You might as well shut the doors of this country and hang up a sign, ‘Closed. Owner Gone Nuts.’”  Is that an Archie Bunker quote or a Newt Gingrich quote?  Admit it, you googled it. Like his great tv predecessor before him, Newt Gingrich has got a lot of complaining to do.  Stop this country, Newt wants to get off.  And he wants to sit in his chair and watch some television and not be bothered by that meathead son in law of his.  Those were the days, right, Newt?  

Okay, so I can only conjecture that they were because I’m not one of the few still alive who remember when the iconic, inexplicably beloved, ethically questionable, and uncontrovertedly racist blowhard Archie Bunker reigned supreme as tv’s biggest asshole.  Unfortunately for Newt, however, I am one of many still alive who remember when the  iconic, inexplicably beloved, ethically questionable, and uncontrovertedly racist blowhard Newt reigned supreme as Congress’s biggest asshole.

“That Newt, he is incorrigible!”  exclaim his legions of followers as they tune in week after week to see what stereotype he’ll perpetuate next!   Whether it’s blacks and their church “habits” or women and their work-prohibitive propensity to get infections, Newt just tells it like it is and can’t no one change his mind.  He’s not going to let liberal journalists con him into answering questions in a debate, and he’s not going to rest until children are back in the workplace where they belong. 

“The fact is, we can afford a fairly ignorant presidency now.” –  Now that one is Newt Gingrich.  And I have no comment. 

DEPUTY SHERIFF RON "BARNEY FIFE" PAUL

“Nip it in the bud!” by which you’d think I’d mean Ron Paul’s presidential campaign, but no, I adore his zany antics.  I, like the fans of Mayberry’s wacky deputy sheriff, tune in each week to see just what Ron Paul will do next.  Barney Fife, seen here once again misfiring his gun, and Ron Paul have a number of things in common.  Though presumably after firing the gun, Ron Paul would have said something like, “Why do police officers carry guns?  Why do we even have police officers?  The government should stay out of our law enforcement!  Strict construction!  Gold Standard!” (fairly accurate summary of Ron Paul’s platform)

With their eyes bugging out in identical shows of fear and rage, both Barney and Ron Paul are, while trying to be helpful, engaging in plans that would ultimately result in the end of government.  Though, of course, Barney’s is purely accidental.  A Paul presidency would look a lot like Barney in charge while Andy’s away.  He’d dance about in a panic, then accidentally end up locking up everyone in town.  And Aunt Bea can’t go through that again. 

If there’s one thing that’s for sure: we want Ron Paul’s single bullet to stay securely in his shirt pocket.   If not, he may accidentally shoot his foot, or the ceiling, or another hole through his economic theories. 

I cannot stop laughing at this picture.

with LITTLE RICKY SANTORUM as GILLIGAN

The “Little Buddy” of the presidential race, Rick Santorum is our happy-go-lucky friend who is always foiling Romney‘s attempts to lock up the nomination by still being in the race.  Just when Mitt was sitting back, counting his primary wins, along came Santorum and knocked him on the head with an Iowa Caucus Coconut.  Gingrich has sent in sexy movie stars, generous millionaires, and more coconut crème pies than you can count, but Santorum resolutely refuses to leave the candidate island, no matter how many anchors he has to throw overboard, tree rafts he has to accidentally send to sea, and coconut radio signals he has to jam.

  

The downside to a Santorum presidency is he’s always going to be the first one captured by tribesmen somehow visiting from neighboring islands, and the whole gang will have to work together to rescue him.  “Awwww, Santorum!!!”